Dear Pregnancy

• How is it that EVERY TIME I stand up, my bladder instantly fills up with what feels like 127 gallons of pee and I'm forced to look like a waddling fool trying to make it to the bathroom in time?
• Why does my heightened sense of smell only pick up the funk in the world? There has got to be particles of cookie dough or pumpkin spice floating around what seems like an endless sea of methane gas.
• Can you please take it easy on the water retention? My son pointed to my toes the other day and said, "Biiiiig hot dogs."
• Why do you force me to let out gutteral grunts with every little move? If my cubicle neighbors didn't know I was preggo, I'm almost certain I would've been reported to HR by now for engaging in inappropriate acts at work.
• Oh and ease up on the heavy breathing. It's forcing me to avoid elevators at all costs. There's nothing more awkward than being in an elevator full of coworkers or strangers and sounding like a creepy perv in the corner.

Sincerely,
me